Romancestuck
by Venjess
Summary: Request a shipping and I'll write it for you, it's as simple as that. Rated for language.
1. DirkRoxy Romance: Hangover

**I've done it.**

**It's done.**

**I've now started a Homestuck request one-shot thing.**

**I'm going to regret this, I can feel it.**

**Basically the way this works is I'm just going to write random one-shots, but you guys can request pairings be it hearts, spades, diamonds or clubs (though an auspistice would be three people not two obviously) you can also just request a friendship bromance type thing or a family one-shot. It's up to you.**

**This chapter has a different writing style, after this one I'm going to try and write my one-shots more similar to my usual style, if you want this style then you can simply mention it.**

**I don't own Homestuck.**

* * *

**Roxirk Flushed: Hangover**

- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] -

TG: heeeeey

TG: dork

TG: *dirk

TG: wait no

TG: *dork

TG: haha

TG: ;)

TT: What?

TG: hey dirk

TG: wahts upp

TT: What?

TG: *whats up

TT: Roxy are you drunk?

TG: not raellu

TG: *really

TT: …

TG: ok mybe i am

TG: a littel bit

TT: How did you even find shit to get drunk on?

TG: its my scret

TG: im full of secrets

TT: Why are you drunk?

TG: i couldnt let mom get oneup

TG: *a one-up

TT: Roxy she's dead.

TG: yeah :\

TG: but she left lotsof driniks

TG: :)

TG: :)

TG: ;D

TT: Just go to sleep.

TT: You're going to have the hangover of all fucking hangovers tomorrow.

TG: yeah rihgt

TG: haha

TT: You're not making any sense.

TG: srue i am

TG: youre just no undrestandning

TG: but thats ok

TG: i fogrive you

TG: baceuse youre so cute

TG: ;D

TT: Roxy, don't hit on me when you're drunk.

TG: why not

TG: i mean

TG: don't you evne know

TG: *even

TT: Know what?

TG: haha you don't knwo

TG: *know

TT: Roxy, I really don't have time for this shit.

TG: dork

TG: i hit on yuo all the time

TG: becasue

TG: im

TG: in

TG: love

TG: with

TG: you

TG: 3

- timauesTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -

Your name is ROXY LALONDE. You recently found some ALCOHOL left behind by your MOM in what must undeniably be a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GESTURE. You are now DRUNK for the first time ever in order to combat her in your constant battle of ONE-UPMANSHIP.

For some strange reason you feel as though you have made a mistake, but the warmth tingling through your body right now because of the alcohol is more than enough of a distraction from the strange, pained feeling in your heart.

* * *

**Roxy: Wake up.**

No.

**Roxy: Wake up.**

No.

**Roxy: Get up now.**

You do not get up. You don't even want to contemplate the action of opening your eyes. Your head is pounding and it feels like one of your cats is scraping their claws through your skull. Your eyes sting and ache and your mouth feels gritty and dry. Your limbs are like lead and your stomach is roiling, you feel more than a little nauseous.

You decide it was worth it though. You totally didn't let Mom win in this passive aggressive shit.

You realise you are lying in bed and you wonder how you got there. You don't remember getting into bed last night. Then again, you don't remember a lot of things that happened last night.

You roll slowly over onto your back and let out a piteous groan, you are going to get up. Any second now you're going to get up. You have to after all, you really need a drink, you're dying of dehydration.

**Roxy: Just get up.**

One cannot rush these things; there are very specific steps one should take if they wish to stand when mere movement makes you want to regurgitate all the contents of your stomach at the moment. So for now you are going to work out what those steps are. As soon as your headache goes away.

You roll over and weakly pull your sheets up to you neck; had you really tucked yourself in like that? Drunk you must be pretty fucking sensible. She's obviously an awesome gal.

**Roxy: Notice the object on your bedside drawers.**

Holy shit.

Someone put a cup of water on your bedside drawers (wow what an uncreative name is that? _Bedside drawers_ pfft). You should be drunk Roxy more often, she's clearly an incredible babe.

You sit up slowly, blinking groggily against the light and the headache that flared up again in protest. You swallow against the queasy feeling in your stomach and lean over, reaching for the water.

It was then that you notice the box pills next to the glass and you immediately realise their purpose, "omfg," this is the best.

You grab the cup and pop out two of the painkillers, cringing at their bitter taste as you put them in your mouth then wash it all down with some water. The water soothes your headache slightly and relieves you of some of the scorpion-nest-in-your-throat feeling much to your relief.

You turn to your computer and wonder what Dirk is doing at the moment. You lie back down in your bed, gazing up at the ceiling. Had that spider web been there before?

**Roxy: Talk to Dirk.**

You consider pestering Dirk, talking to him always left you feeling indecisive, a turmoil of emotions inside of you that you weren't sure how to deal with and a desire to just tell him how you feel sparring with the panicked desperation to never let him know.

Despite that, you can't seem to stay away, it might be because he's the only other human you know of alive in your time so you're stuck with him, it could be because he's the only other human you'd _want_ to be stuck with in this time, as selfish as it may seem. There's Jake and Jane, but neither of them really understand what it's like for all your explaining. Heck, Janey doesn't even _believe_ you when you tell her about it all. In the end, you accept that you're addicted to a totally dorky cutie with shades and a nice ass (you totally didn't think that last bit shhh).

You try not to tell him how you feel, of try not to flirt too much but are unable to prevent the occasional (daily) comment that hints at your feelings; hopeful but terrified that he will realise how you feel, because maybe, he'll feel the same way?

But maybe he won't.

**Roxy: Pester your chum.**

You are kind of tired right now; you do not feel like getting up.

You do not pester your chum.

You are sure he can survive a few more hours with your illustrious company.

**Roxy: Pester your boyfriend.**

On second thoughts, you kind of want to talk to him now.

He's probably missing you or something, yeah, you should talk to him.

Who knows, maybe he'll declare his never-ending love for you because he missed you so much.

**Roxy: Just do it.**

Ugh fine.

You were just about to get into an awesome daydream but whatever.

The painkillers have kicked in at last, and your head has cleared a bit, no longer feeling as though it is going to explode.

You get to your feet wincing as you feel your stomach lurch uncomfortably. You ignore it in favour of walking over to your computer and easing yourself into the chair.

The things you do for love.

You log onto pesterchum and are pleased to see Dirk is also on.

- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] -

TG: hey dirk

TG: you there

TT: Yeah.

TT: You sober now?

TG: fuck

TG: did i message you yesterday

TT: Yes.

TG: sorry

TG: did i say anything weird

TG: …

TG: dirk

TG: fuck

TG: what did i say

TT: It depends on your definition of weird.

TT: If you define weird as a mess of jumbled words which no one person could have a hope of deciphering as weird.

TT: Then yes.

TT: You said something weird.

TG: fuck

TT: You're saying that a lot.

TG: yeah

TG: sorry

TG: that was probs totes annoying for you to deal with tho

TT: Just promise you won't do it again.

TG: yeah

TG: sorry

You find yourself beginning to forget about your headache, focusing completely on the orange text which you adore.

The embarrassment of last night makes you cringe slightly, but the joy you feel from talking to Dirk soon overcomes that shame. You make a mental note to pester Jake and Jane later to check if you made an idiot of yourself to them as well.

You wonder what they're thinking right now if you did.

You wonder what Dirk had been thinking.

**Roxy: Be past Dirk Strider.**

Your name is DIRK STRIDER. You have just logged out of a rather REVEALING CONVERSATION with your friend ROXY LALONDE. You had just finished a conversation with another of your friends from the past JANE CROCKER, a girl you highly enjoyed talking to despite her CYNICAL NATURE when you had been pestered by the blonde.

You turn on the idle aspect to your pesterchum and think about the best thing to do. You had suspected for some time that Roxy might have feelings for you, feelings that went beyond the platonic zone of friendship and more into the sloppy make-outs territory. You have been considering how best to approach the situation. After all, you didn't want to hurt Roxy. Though it wasn't the same kind she felt, you _did_ love her and you'd do anything to keep her happy.

However, pretending to have feelings like that for her when you didn't would only hurt her more in the end.

**Dirk: Explain the situation to her.**

No, you don't think that you can bring yourself to do that. You had told yourself you wouldn't bring it up unless she herself suggested to she wanted to discuss it.

But now she _had_ brought it up.

In the most inane fashion possible. But brought up is what it had been.

You hadn't expected her to confess her feelings for you whilst drunk. Why was she even drunk anyway? That was a bit far to go for some passive aggressive gesture type thing surely? You don't even understand why Roxy felt the need to continue the whole one-upmanship with her mother. As you had mentioned when talking to her, the lady was fucking dead.

**Dirk: Think of the pesterchum conversation.**

You think back to how you had responded and silently admit it wasn't the coolest of things you could have done.

Bro would have been disappointed.

**Dirk: No not that bit.**

You remember how you told her to go to bed and you hope that she had, her hangover is going to kill her when she wakes up.

**Dirk: No one wants a dead friend.**

Your body is moving before your mind even realises its decision. Roxy's going to hate everything when she wakes up, but you might be able to do something. Even though you are partially tempted to leave her to deal with it on her own to teach her a lesson.

**Dirk: Go help your friend.**

Sure.

That's what friends do.

* * *

Your name is DIRK STRIDER and you have just walked into the bedroom of your friend Roxy LALONDE. There are multiple EMPTY BOTTLES scattered over the floor and you are struck by how stereotypical a scene it was. You pick your way through the HAPHAZARDOUS MESS on the floor before stopping in front of a particularly LARGE MESS. Closer inspection reveals this mess to be an extremely DRUNK and extremely HUNGOVER girl.

**Dirk: Wonder why you're such a wonderful friend.**

You are the best of bros.

It is you.

How is it that you are so kind and wonderful?

No one knows, it's one of the mysteries of the modern world.

You bend down and pull Roxy up into a sitting position, wrapping one arm around your neck then supporting her back with one arm and hooking the other arm under her knees.

You straighten up, stumbling back slightly to accommodate the extra weight, "fuck Roxy, you so owe me for this," you mutter to the comatose girl. You carried her to the bed then saw the mess it was; with a groan you shifted her in your arms slightly before turning to the couch. You set her down carefully, leaning her against the armrest before walking back into her bedroom.

Without another word you begin to clear up the mess, picking up bottles to realise the majority of them were still full; two were completely empty and a third almost so however. On the desk next to her computer was a martini glass with a small amount of alcohol still left. You pour the liquid down the sink in the kitchen and throw out the empty bottles.

You wonder about the ones still full before shrugging and emptying the liquid into the sink and washing it all down with water. You didn't think Roxy would get drunk again, but you hadn't thought she would get drunk in the first place. You don't want her to be putting herself in more danger because she didn't have a clear head.

The bottles went with the others.

**Dirk: Put the girl to bed.**

You pick Roxy up before you feel the strange stickiness on her shirt. Hiding a grimace that no one is around to see anyway, you put her back down again and turn to the kitchen.

After grabbing a damp washcloth you wipe down Roxy's face gently, then get rid of the strange sticky substance on her sleeve (and you do _not_ want to know what it is). With that issue dealt with you once more pick up the deadweight girl then turn to the bedroom.

You silently regret shutting the door when you had come out to get Roxy, but you deal with it in a cool Strider-like fashion. You do _not_ fumble with the doorknob for nearly five minutes, accompanied by a few soft swear words, and you most certainly did _not_ nearly drop Roxy once. Finally, you stumble through the door (stride in coolly, because you're a Strider, so it's basically physically impossible to do it any other way) and make your way over to Roxy's bed, placing her down carefully then lifting up the sheets and tucking her in.

You realise how terrible she is going to feel after waking up and once more you return to the kitchen, grabbing a cup of water and a pack of painkillers and laying them to the side of her bed.

**Dirk: Gaze at the unconscious girl.**

You do not gaze at the unconscious girl, that's a really fucking creepy idea.

However you _do_ hesitate as you wonder what to do next.

You want to stay and make sure that Roxy is okay, however, you doubt that she'll be wanting to wake up to your shaded face. Especially after the thing that happened earlier involving the pesterchum and her being drunk which brought about your coming over in the first place.

And maybe you have no idea what to say in return to that particular thing.

You are going to have work that out.

With a sigh you crouch down next to the bed, the corners of your mouth twitch down so slightly that no one would have been able to see it. "Sorry Roxy," you whisper, leaning forward to place a kiss on the girl's forehead.

You step back and turn to leave, it _would_ be better if you didn't hang around, "I do love you."

"Just not in the way you want me too."

* * *

**The deed is done.**

**(For the record the 3 is actually meant to be a heart but for some reason doesn't let me input certain symbols)**


	2. JohnDaveKat: Movie Night

**Sorry this took so long to write but it was suddenly a bit hectic for me irl.**

**I had a Chemistry assignment draft due, then a week after that was Biology and the day after was English and Religion and I had done pretty much no work for any of them. So yeah, I didn't have a lot of time on my hands.**

**This is the first request, JohnDaveKat**

**It's dedicated to StripedHipster**

**Hopefully I did okay.**

**I don't own Homestuck.**

* * *

**JohnDaveKat Romance: Movie Night**

Your name is DAVE STRIDER. You are currently experiencing the well-known feeling of BOREDOM as you sit through your UNIVERSITY LECTURE. You have people sitting on either side, neither of which you know, however you are obviously too COOL to need to know all the people in your course, as indicated by the SUNGLASSES you are wearing given to you by your BOYFRIEND. Without looking at the clock you know that you still have ONE HOUR until your lecture has finished.

What will you do?

**Dave: Pay attention.**

If you weren't such a cool kid you would laugh out loud, or- in tribute to the infamous teenage term-'lol'. Instead you continue to doodle dicks on the bottom of your exercise books.

You're just chill like that.

**Dave: Do something productive.**

You coolly consider the suggestion for a few moments before deciding it is a good idea so you turn to a new page in your book and begin to work on some new drawings for your awesome and totally ironic webcomic.

**Dave: That's not productive at all.**

It totally is.

**Reader: Decide to go forward to a time when the subject is not being a little shit.**

You are now one-hour-in-the-future Dave Strider.

You have your bag slung over one shoulder as you walk through the college grounds towards your car. Skaia University is actually a rather pleasant place, you think to yourself – not for the first time –as you walk along. It's large with gorgeous landscaping, trees lining the paths, providing cover for the students walking along. Sometimes you enjoy simply sitting on one of the provided benches, coming up with the sweetest of beats as you bask in the warm sunlight. You are somewhat tempted to do so today, an urge to lay down some sick fires arising inside of you. But there are a lot of people around today and you're pretty sure they'd think you were psychotic if you simply sat on a bench and seemingly did nothing for some hours other than talking to yourself. Well, either that or homeless.

Neither of those are particularly cool images to project, so you refrain from sitting on the bench that seems to be tempting you with its dappled sunlight and the cool breeze blowing and fuck are you getting some kind of bench complex? Well, Karkat would be tickled pink to know that what with his whole 'chair shtick' he's had going on for a while. Maybe the two of you can hang out together sometimes and get off on how awesome ass comfort is?

You walk out through the university's gates and head over to your car. You are in fact meant to share this particular vehicle with your two flatmates, both of which attend Skaia University like you (though they do different courses) but lessons had started early for you today and so you had gotten up and driven to school without them. You are pretty sure they had lessons on today like you did.

Oops.

You shrug and unlock the car door, as you climb in you turn on your phone only to be alerted to the fact that you had about fifty pestermessages. With a relatively good idea as to what they are you log onto pesterchum and open up your first missed text.

CG: DAVE STRIDER YOU FUCKING PRICK.

You smile slightly at the predictable words before going on to scroll through the others.

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK THE CAR.

CG: WAIT NO.

CG: YES I CAN.

CG: BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS DO SHIT LIKE THIS.

CG: HOLY FUCK I HATE YOU SO MUCH DAVE.

EB: dave you asshole.

EB: i can't believe you took the car.

EB: you know how much karkat hates public transport.

CG: YOU'VE TURNED YOUR PHONE OFF HAVEN'T YOU?

CG: I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH YOU NOOKTAINTING BULGELICKER.

EB: he's going to be complaining to me all morning now.

EB: why would you do this to me?

You snort slightly at the masses of angry texts from your two flatmates then you pause as you realise that a certain someone's pranksterish personality must be rubbing off on you. You are getting an odd sort of glee at their suffering. Welp.

You reach the final text to see that this one had been sent only half an hour ago. Curious, you open it to read, noting that it's from Karkat.

CG: HEY ASSHOLE. JOHN AND I HAVE FINISHED OUR LECTURE AND I KNOW YOU'LL BE FINISHED WITH ALL OF YOURS SOON. I AM NOT CATCHING THE BUS AGAIN THIS MORNING WAS A NIGHTMARE. WHEN YOU GET THIS YOU BETTER COME PICK US UP OR I SWEAR THAT YOU WILL BE WATCHING AS MANY ROMCOMS WITH ME AND AS MANY NIC FUCKING CAGE MOVIES WITH JOHN AS WE WANT AT ANY TIME OF THE WEEK.

Heedful of Karkat's warning you check to see if he's still on and begin to message him.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -

TG: you still waiting

Karkat responds surprisingly quickly.

CG: FUCKING FINALLY.

CG: JOHN AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR *HOURS*.

CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF THAT?

CG: I'VE HAD TO PUT UP WITH HIS UNFATHOMABLE HORSESHIT FOR *HOURS* BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO BE A FUCKING TOOL AND TAKE THE CAR THIS MORNING. I COULD HAVE BEEN HOME AGES AGO BUT NO. MR DAVE FUCKING STRIDER DECIDED THAT HE COULDN'T BE A CONSIDERATE HUMAN BEING AND INSTEAD LEFT HIS BOYYFRIENDS STUCK TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT LIKE A PAIR OF FUCKING DWEEBS. I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER YOU DAVE I SWEAR TO GOG.

TG: aww no fair

TG: you and john all off alone together

TG: having sloppy makeouts and shit

TG: i wanna join

CG: WE ARE *NOT* HAVING SLOPPY MAKEOUTS YOU NOOKSNIFFER AND IF YOU DON'T COME PICK US UP NOW THEN YOU WON'T BE HAVING ANY.

CG: EVER AGAIN.

TG: ooh scary

TG: the cars parked near the university gates

CG: JOHN AND I AREN'T GOING TO ROAM AROUND AIMLESSLY FOR THE NEXT HALF AN HOUR TRYING TO FIND YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

CG: GET YOUR PASTY ASS OVER HERE NOW AND COME FIND *US*.

You sigh before sending an affirmative. Karkat could be such an asshole sometimes but he was a cute asshole, the same went for John, so you figured you couldn't just drive off and leave them behind. Not to mention you liked sloppy make-outs. You knew he would stick to his word for a few weeks, get John in on it too, so you decide that the best thing to do would be to go find your two boyfriends. Knowing them, they're still milling around outside of their classroom.

You get out of the car and lock it behind you, turning around and heading back in through the university's gates.

**Dave: Be your boyfriend.**

Which one? Couldn't stand to have this fine Strider ass confined to just one person; bitches are all up in your grill at every second of the day, they swoon when you pass by all motherfucking chill as shit. Got dudes and chicks simply flocking to you, prostrating themselves in front of you and begging for just a second of your time.

**Dave: Okay whatever, be the one who gave you the sunglasses.**

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are currently leaning against a wall outside of your LECTURER'S CLASSROOM. In front of you is KARKAT VANTAS who is pacing angrily as he waits for your BOYFRIEND to arrive. You and Karkat take the same course, majoring in IT and COMPUTER PROGRAMMING. Unfortunately, neither of you are very GOOD at it. But that's okay, because it means a lot of STUDY DATES and spending time with each other. Despite how ANGRY he is all the time, you enjoy spending time with your OTHER BOYFRIEND.

"Karkat stop being stupid, Dave said he was on his way," the troll turns to you and give him a grin, "I'll show you a card trick while we wait," you would impress him with your totally awesome skills and then the two of you would have sloppy make-outs. Sloppy make-outs with Karkat were always fun.

"John if you try to show one more of your stupid fucking tricks I will do an acrobatic leap off the fucking handle," you pout, "Karkat, don't be such a jerk," the boy ignores you,  
Karkaaaaaaaat," he groans, "oh my gog, Egbert, will you just be quiet," you grin at his exasperated tone, annoying Karkat is probably one of your favourite things to do, not that you'd ever tell him, but you think how he scrunches up his face in frustration is the cutest thing.

"Well stop pacing around then, Dave said he was on his way," Karkat sighs but sits down next to where you are standing obediently. With a triumphant grin you slide down until you are sitting as well, cheerfully throwing an arm around the troll's shoulder who gives a surprised yelp. The two of you sit together in silence, waiting for Dave to arrive.

**John: Initiate sloppy make-outs.**

Karkat would probably hit you if you tried to do that right now, he is still very clearly pissed off.

**John: Serenade him then steal his lips like in a ROMCOM.**

Well, Karkat does like ROMCOMs. Not to mention it would certainly pass the time.

You grin as you think of the perfect song to sing, wrapping your other arm around him you begin at the top of your voice, "without you, there'd be no sun in my sky! There would be no love in my life-" Karkat clamps his hands over your mouth, "you fucking asshole, I hate you and your stupid Nic Cage bullshit, this is _not_ the time, why are you even doing this oh my fucking gog you're such a moron," you lick his hands and with a look of disgust he pulls them back to wipe them on his shirt.

"And I, oh baby, I don't know what I would do, I'd be lost without you if you ever leave, baby, you would take away everything real in my life and tell me now," Karkat facepalms as you try to rub your cheek against his, "how do I live without you, I want to know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go? How do I ever, ever survive? How do-" you are cut off by Karkat again, but this time by him grabbing your face and pressing his lips to yours. You smile slightly, half tempted to pull away and continue to sing simply to piss the other off. However, seeing as sloppy make-outs had been your objective in the first place, you decide against it.

**John: Commence sloppy make-outs.**

You are about to do so when you hear someone speak behind you, "no fair, hey Karkitty, I thought you said there weren't any sloppy make-outs I was missing out on, I feel cheated you liar." The two of you pull away and turn to see Dave standing there with a fake pout, before you can say anything however, Karkat speaks first, "maybe if you hadn't taken so long to get here something like this wouldn't have happened," he gets to his feet and stomps over to Dave angrily, you sigh morosely, "and for that matter, do you have _any idea_ how many people were on the bus this morning. Can you even begin to fathom the amount of times my personal space was invaded by sweaty, smelly people, trolls and humans alike!" Dave puts on an innocent expression, "a lot?"

You can see Karkat draw in a deep breath and ready yourself for the furious rant that was sure to follow when Dave leans forward and quickly pecks the troll on the lips. As Karkat sputters Dave gives him a teasing smile, "didn't get to give you a morning kiss, that was some atrocious shit right there, take it to the judge and he's all Dave Strider hasn't given either of his boyfriends their morning kiss, this shit won't fly, and he'll bang his little hammer thing and decree that this wrong must be rectified immediately," as he is speaking he reaches forward and grabs Karkat's hand, starting to drag the troll with him.

He turns to you, "come on Egderp," you stick your tongue out at the nickname but he ignores your reaction, "we better go while he's being quiet," the two of you share a knowing look, you were both aware of the fact that the action Dave had just executed was the only way to stop Karkat before he could start to rant, you are not ashamed to admit that you have gleefully taken advantage of it multiple times.

But that was off topic, right now, it was time to (finally) head home. You get to your feet and – humming the tune of 'How Do I Live' underneath your breath – walk after two of the most important people in your life.

* * *

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. After a day of MIND-NUMBING LECTURES and RIDICULOUS ANGRY RANTS you have finally come to your favourite part of the week. Today is a WEDNESDAY; the importance of this day is that it is MOVIE NIGHT, where you get to watch as many movies and whatever movies you want with your TWO BOYFRIENDS. This also means you have to watch whatever movies they want to, but you think it is an ACCEPTABLE SACRIFICE for NIC CAGE. At this particular moment, DAVE STRIDER is seated on the couch, waiting patiently as you argue with KARKAT VANTAS over who gets to pick a movie first.

What will you do?

**John: Insist on the absolute piece of art that is 'Con Air'**

"Karkat you don't understand, Con Air is literally the best thing in the world, you just gotta give it a try."

"John, I have given Con Air 'a try' about fifty fucking _thousand_ times, and I can safely say, without even an ounce of uncertainty that Con Air is the shittiest piece of shit that has ever existed."

"*Dramatic gasp* Well at least Con Air is way better than _your_ stupid ROMCOMs, Dave thinks so too."

"I highly fucking doubt that John. These ROMCOMs are a work of art, I'm pretty sure that there is not a chance that Dave could like that piece of shit more than he would my ROMCOMs, I swear, if I have to fucking 'put the bunny back in the box' even one more time I will flip my shit."

"You're so wrong Karkat; Dave definitely likes Con Air more than your ROMCOMs."

"If you're so certain of that, why don't we just let him decide?"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Good!"

"Okay then!"

"Dave!"

You both turn to Dave who startles at the sudden attention; you can see how he glances between the two of you. You can tell how he is reluctant to answer you and you just know that he's trying to think of a way to tell Karkat that his ROMCOMs were the shittiest invention on all the planets.

"Well, since I'm choosing this time… why don't we watch a horror movie?"

Dammit Dave. You had one job.

* * *

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. Right now you are attempting to not pee your pants from fright as you sit next to your boyfriend KARKAT VANTAS and watch a HORROR MOVIE. It is in fact, the latest out, receiving many REVIEWS OF RECOMMENDATION. You have to wonder when your other boyfriend DAVE STRIDER even managed to get his hands on it. You have never been this SCARED in your LIFE and you know that this was a BAD IDEA.

What will you do?

**John: Ask the others if they're scared.**

You attempt to speak to find that all that comes out of your mouth is a frightened squeak. You clear your throat and take an unsteady breath, "so…" you manage, "this is a, uh, kinda scary movie isn't it?" You hear Karkat snort derisively, "scary? This piece of shit? The cinematics are so fucking primitive, nothing looks even vaguely realistic not to mention that a lot of this shit is pretty fucking commonplace, even a cowardly little wiggler wouldn't be scared by this. It'd just snort and turn its snotty little nose up at the screen. I literally cannot _believe_ that they even agreed to make this useless piece of shit, clearly human are still woefully behind on technology as _well_ as every other fucking thing this is pathetic."

You take that as a no.

You peer over Karkat to look at Dave who is staring at the screen with a blank expression on his face, "hey Dave?" you try, he nods to show he is listening, "don't you think this movie is a _little_ bit scary," Dave's expression doesn't change, "pssh, Egbert, you need to stop being such a wuss, this movie isn't scary at all, a bit of a disappointment to be honest, I had been hoping for at least a little bit of good old-fashioned movie-induced terror," you frown at him for a moment before a devious grin appears on your face.

You have been bros with Dave for a long time, the two of you decided to apply for the same university and had been flatmates, you had met Karkat through your course and through a lot of shenanigans the three of you started dating. You were all extremely close and you considered the other two to be some of the most important people in your life. But that didn't mean that they were immune from your pranks.

You knew Dave well, and you knew that he had basically zero tolerance for horror movies; you knew that right now he was probably terrified and just not admitting to it. With that thought in mind you reach over Karkat and poke the albino boy.

**John: Be someone else.**

Whaaaaaaaat? Surely it would be better to remain yourself so that you can fully appreciate Dave's satisfying reaction!

**John: No it wouldn't.**

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are currently watching an absolutely LAUGHABLE MOVIE with your two boyfriends. You had wanted to watch a certain new ROMCOM that had just come out, however due to many SHENANIGANS the three of you are watching a HORROR first instead. Unfortunately, it is not scary at all as it had been made by some HUMANS who clearly do not know the beginning of the word SCARY. You really just want to find the CREATORS of this MOVIE and punch them in the face. Several times.

You are dimly aware of John leaning over you; you look in time to see him poke Dave.

"HOLY FUCKINH GFDXJKNXXCX OH GOG IT'S GOT ME I'M GOING TO DIE HOLY SHIT NO I DON'T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN HELP FUCKINJDFK OH GOG!"

John is laughing his head off and you are staring at the horrified albino sitting to you right, his shades have been knocked askew, allowing you to see his red eyes now wide in fear. "I knew you were scared, Dave you liar," John proclaims.

You want to sigh, unable to believe that you are currently flushed so deeply for these idiotic assholes.

**Karkat: Do something to alleviate your boyfriends' fear.**

You reach over Dave and grab a blanket that was resting on the side of the couch; a loud, piercing (obviously fake) scream sounds shrilly from the television, causing your ears to twitch and the two boys on either side of you to shriek and latch onto you. You roll your eyes before wrapping the blanket around the three of you, you can feel the way both Dave and John's tight grip loosens slightly, they pull the blanket edges closer around the three of you and you huddle together in the protective warmth.

You decide that it isn't necessarily bad that the two of them are so easily frightened. It will give you something to tease them about tomorrow.

Sometimes you can't help but feel your relationship with these two humans is somewhat odd, there are no quadrants involved as humans aren't very good at understanding them. One time you had sworn to a friend of yours – a certain Terezi Pyrope – that you would never get involved with a human romantically due to their lack of understanding concerning the quadrants. But now it seemed you were involved with two of them.

Sometimes it could be confusing for you, you'd feel so very _black_ for one of them that you'd wonder how you ever thought the relationship was red, then they'd do something dorky like kiss you on the cheek or pet your head (you are not a cat and they shouldn't be using their _slight_ height advantage against you all the time dammit!) and you'd be left feeling flustered and oh so embarrassingly flushed for the two of them.

You couldn't work out if your relationship with the two of them was red, black or sometimes even pale. A long time ago, you stopped trying to figure it out because it was John and Dave. And something like quadrants didn't matter with them, because they were more important than any personal need you might have about having a perfect romance, with all of your quadrants filled. You don't need the blackest of caliginous spats. Nor the most red of all the matesprits. You don't need to see the diamonds or feel the ashen frustration. Because all you need is to be with them.

You're happy with these two adorable, dorky, hopeless humans and – despite all your blustering and your shouting and your complaints – you'd like to think they're happy with you as well.

With that thought in mind, you huddle into the blankets with the other two slightly more, and you don't try to prevent the small smile that creeps onto your face as the girl on the screen is brutally murdered.

* * *

**Yeah idk. I tried to make it funny but also cute? Karkat is apparently the protagonist in the cheesiest ROMCOM ever. Well, I guess that would make him happy to know.**

**Anyway, let me know your opinion on this! Did I get their characters right? If you liked it, feel free to request a pairing or a few yourself! :)**


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